WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
PHILADELPHIA -- In a medical breakthrough that should come as welcome news for millions of at-risk Americans, University of Pennsylvania cardiologists announced Tuesday that taking one aspirin tablet and a fifth of bourbon daily can "significantly reduce" an individual's awareness of heart attacks.
"This study represents a major victory in the fight against heart disease, America's number-one killer," said Dr. Arthur Katzeff, head of the University of Pennsylvania team. "Each year, more than two million Americans clutch their chests in terror and exclaim, 'Jesus Christ! I'm having a fucking heart attack!' With this revolutionary new aspirin-bourbon treatment, however, such fully conscious incidents of cardiac arrest may soon be a thing of the past."
According to Katzeff, test subjects who were administered a single aspirin tablet in the morning, followed by a fifth of bonded Kentucky bourbon over the next several hours, were 85 percent less likely to realize that they were having a heart attack than those who did not take aspirin with bourbon.
Americans are excited about the findings. "My four heart attacks have all been hellish," said Ronald Diering, an Evansville, IN, auto mechanic. "I was aware of everything that was happening, and I was gripped by the fear that I was going to die. But with this new aspirin-bourbon treatment, future heart attacks should be much less traumatic."
"Who wants to spend what could be their last moments on Earth in terror?" asked Alex Broadhurst of San Jose, CA. "Better to enjoy another swig of bourbon and lie on the floor waiting for the ambulance to show up." University of Pennsylvania researchers said individuals who take aspirin and bourbon in the prevention of heart attacks may experience certain side effects, including slurred speech, impaired vision, and vomiting.
Upon waking up from a heart attack, researchers said, there is also a chance of experiencing "a wicked hangover." In such cases, individuals are strongly advised to avoid bright lights and not move around too much.
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