Zoo sperm bank worker Mohd. Binatang bin Goncang wins "Worst Job in Singapore".
Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs the Singapore Zoo, has set up a bank of sperm and animal tissue in order to help preserve species.
The thankless task of collecting the sperm falls to Mr. Binatang's, starting his rounds at 4 a.m. "We start so early in the morning because a lot of the animals have 'morning glory' when they wake up, and it's easier to collect the sperm.
Wearing rubber gloves and carrying a cooler box filled with ice and tupperware, Mr. Binatang, 25, told us that he'd just graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a diploma in life sciences. He liked nature and animals, and thought that the Singapore Zoo would be the perfect place to work.
"I never thought I'd be giving an orang-utan a hand job every morning," he said somewhat ruefully. "And he is the worst, he expects to be kissed first."
As we approached the orang-utan enclosure, we saw the Zoo's most famous resident lying casually on his back, hands behind his head, and sporting a huge erection.
Applying the massage oil onto his gloves, he lingered outside the enclosure before entering and knelt before the orange beast. About 2 minutes' worth of squelching noises could be heard before Mr. Binatang emerged again.
Next the tiger enclosure, the big cats were sprawled lazily on the grass verge, in a somewhat half-hearted manner as he put on a fresh set of gloves and entered the enclosure. "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
Moments later, he emerged with several tupperware full of viscous fluid.
"Isn't it dangerous?" we asked.
Mr. Binatang was silent for a while.
"They know I'm not there as an enemy," he finally said, a glazed, faraway look in his eyes.
He worked his way round the zoo, and finished his rounds at 3 pm in the afternoon, carrying out his duties with the tapirs, the rhinoceros, giraffe and the gorillas, amongst others. "Each animal is different," he said, removing his gloves, now speckled with traces of polar bear spunk.
"The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is the most tricky because of the size of its thing... sometimes I have to use both my arms to tug on it."
"As you can expect it's really affecting my sex life. I can't help it. Each time my wife initiates sex, these ejaculating hippos keep floating through my mind."
How long will he stay difficult to know, but deputy assistant director Lai Jee Seow thinks it is important to continue.
"It's because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang coming over every morning to pull them off," said "Many of them now can't be bothered to engage in real sex."
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go and get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, too see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab hold of his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Love at First Sight
Can't Eat It
Love that Bitch
Really Tasty
Odd Bone
Now you can maximize your pleasure and control your weight simultaneously.
It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research we are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES: With her consent............................... 12 Calories Without her consent........................... 187 Calories OPENING HER BRA: With both hands................................ 8 Calories With one hand.................................. 12 Calories With your teeth................................ 85 Calories PUTTING ON A CONDOM: With an erection................................ 6 Calories Without an erection........................... 315 Calories PRELIMINARIES: Trying to find the clitoris..................... 8 Calories Trying to find the G-Spot..................... 92 Calories POSITIONS: Missionary.................................... 12 Calories 69 lying down................................. 78 Calories 69 standing up................................ 112 Calories Wheelbarrow................................... 216 Calories Doggy Style................................... 326 Calories Italian chandelier............................ 912 Calories ORGASMING: Real.......................................... 112 Calories False......................................... 315 Calories POST ORGASM: Lying in bed hugging........................... 18 Calories Getting up immediately......................... 36 Calories Explaining why you got out of bed immediately..816 Calories GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are: 20-29 years old................................ 36 Calories 30-39 years.................................... 80 Calories 40-49 years................................... 124 Calories 50-59 years................................... 972 Calories 60-69 years.................................. 2916 Calories 70 and over.................................. Results are still pending DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS: Calmly......................................... 32 Calories In a hurry..................................... 98 Calories With her father knocking at the door......... 1218 Calories With your wife knocking at the door.......... 3521 Calories
