Dik's Ravings

Dik Saalfeld '80
European correspondent

I was trying to figure out how to write a funny article for the Beta Theta Data what with still being grief-stricken over the death of my best buddy, Hugh Gibbs, when the phone rang. It was Gibber.

Most people would have been perplexed, if not downright astonished and struck with a sublime terror, but most people are not me and consequently do not have periodic flashbacks and other hallucinatory mental phenomena, so I calmly said "Hughie! Long time! Say, I thought you were dead!"

"Well, yeah, that was the idea."

"What gives, Gibbmeister?"

"Insurance money."

I knew it! That crafty Gibber! Dang! These past months he's probably been lapping pina coladas at Trader Vic's whilst making time with some bodacious honies.

"So, Gibber, you got that tenspot you owe me?"


Next time he calls I'll get more information before I scare him off. I'll keep you posted. It was definitely long distance, though, which is not surprising given the fact that I am in the Balkans, and I'll bet that he's somewhere in the islands, maybe Trinidad.

So I wasn't at my 19th Homecoming in a row, but I heard all about it. Bob Montione '80 reported to me. He said Jay Hardenburg '79 won the Man-Miles Award, despite only having to drive from Portland, New York, where he lives with his wife and 106 children. He got the award by putting 1243 miles on his odometer driving around the highway rest stop looking for one of their kids -- it turns out they had simply miscounted, and that all were present and accounted for.

Mark Ochs '79 won the Most Fun While Conscious Award by dancing with a co-ed at the party and getting his tie stuck in the zipper of her red leather dress. He was about two inches from her you-know-what's for about an hour while people labored to release him, and when it was finally discovered that he was wearing a clip-on, he won the Most Fun While Unconscious Award from the young lady's boyfriend, who, tragically, turns out to be a member of the All-Ivy Buick-tossing Team.

Kevin Williams '81 spent most of the weekend in a blue funk at not being named to the Weathermen Hall of Fame. Nobody had the heart to tell him that the Hall is an underground tribute to 1960s terrorists. He's a good meteorologist, but he's not a rocket scientist.

Tom Sporney '03 tried to trade his long-suffering wife Jane for a sixer of Molson's that Ken Hull '1492 brought across the border after his annual trip to Toronto. Tom was drunk. Jane found out about it, and gave Tom a knee to the groin, although secretly she was a bit excited, as Ken is rumored to have a well-stocked rec room in his basement, including some fine medieval devices, and Tom hasn't exactly been Mr. Excitement these past few years, ever since he became president of the Indiana chapter of the Norm Peterson Fan Club. Anyway, Ken goes to Canada every year to buy piranhas to donate to the local grade school. The innocent dears don't know what piranhas are, and Ken likes to watch their little faces as they add his gift to the tank with their colorful and perky goldfish. Looks like Ken hasn't been taking his Thorazine!

I couldn't make it to Homecoming because I got sent to Macedonia on a one-year assignment. Frankly, I thought they said "Michigan". Something with "m", anyway. So here I am, a couple miles from the Serbian border. This weekend I am going to Tirana, Albania on business. Something tells me Tirana won't remind me too much of Paris. I have to learn to start paying more attention at job interviews. In a few weeks I have to go to Kyrzgistan on a month-long assignment; they told me it was near Mongolia, which I'm pretty sure is in western Pennsylvania.