Dik's Ravings

Dik Saalfeld '80
Washington correspondent

By the time you read this, Governor Pataki will have appointed Nate Rudgers '82 Commissioner of Agriculture for the State of New York. When we bid Nate we thought he had brain damage, but now he's a respected statesman and an expert on things that live in dirt. His appointment will take place despite the rigorous background investigation that uncovered, on the Pike newsletter website, the story I wrote telling about Nateís arrival at hunting camp without his anti-psychotic medication, but with plenty of ammunition. He told the investigators he never heard of me. Remember that time he had a head full of peyote and talked me into sanding off his fingerprints? He explained the scars as "a milking accident". I guess they never found out about the "hit me with your rhythm stick" tattoo on his left buttock. Perhaps they never saw it. It takes up less landscape, percentage-wise, than it used to.

Neil Best '82 was in town recently with his wife and two dangerously cute little girls. Being surrounded by three beautiful women hasnít changed our wry sports writer; neither has getting paid to go to Giants games. He's still humble and taciturn. Neil gets paid to be wined and dined at the Super Bowl, whether the Giants are in it or not. Usually not. But he has this to say about it: "They serve too much shrimp."

Brett Sylvester '84 is hale. He is a DC patent attorney. His main squeeze is a broadcaster for Voice of America. She does the news in Chinese for radio broadcast in, of all places, China. And here's a coincidence for you: my dad fought with the Chinese against the Japanese in China, he fought with the Koreans against the Chinese in Korea, and I eat off of their plates.

Remember how a couple of years ago I lived and worked in the Balkans consulting with all those dinkwad governments? How I did this throughout Yugoslavia using absolute mounds of your tax dollars? Weíre finally seeing the fruits of my labors in the vineyards of democracy: Armageddon. And now somebody on the Alpha Theta board wants me to be a "class captain". Was Gibber putting something in the beer, or are all you clods congenitally insane?

Doug Wright '78 is living on a boat in Phoenix. Apparently this boat is in actual water. It could be one of Doug's hallucinations, I suppose, although his hallucinations usually take the form of woodland creatures. Frank Koh '79 was more of a lake hallucinator, although Friggy '80 once gobbled some mushrooms and thought he was on the Andrea Doria. In fact, he was on Rona Blatstein, a.k.a. "Ratface", the only chick on the Hill who could eat beer nuts off of... never mind. Whoa. Where was I? This happens with disturbing frequency.

As for me, I am plotting my next move in either politics or international affairs. In the mean time, I am milking the private sector doing telecommunications consulting. Tragically, the private sector is a much tougher venue for indolent laggards such as myself, and the clients are actually making me work. My current gravy train takes me outside the beltway, if you can imagine, into the wilds of Virginia. I didnít even know there was electricity out here, let alone telecom companies. I work in something called a "cube". People can look right in. There are no doors or couches! I have to make my own copies! When I get back to Georgetown I'm going to sponsor some missionaries to come out here, if the locals promise not to eat them.